“Buy More Stuff! Confuse Everyone!” People hold signs designed to confuse Black Friday shoppers in Seattle, 2010. Photo by John Anderson via Flickr, Creative Commons
TOM REGAN (with help from my family)
November, 2014
‘Twas the night before Black Friday, and all through the house
Every creature was stirring, yes even the mouse;
The credit cards were ready for use here and there,
In the hopes that a bargain soon would be theirs.
The turkey was eaten, and all had been fed;
And football was over when Poppa then said:
“It’s time to get ready, so check all your apps,
We’re hunting for bargains, so let’s not be saps.
It’s an hour before midnight, so stop all your chatter,
Where we start shopping does not really matter.”
Away to the mall we flew in a flash,
Our flyers in hand, we had quite a stash.
And nothing could stop us, not even the snow,
For Black Friday shopping we were determined to go.
Because saving a dollar off a 100 was clear,
As Americans saving a buck was quite dear.
When our daughter, who sometimes could really be thick.
Said out loud to us all, “I think you’re all sick.
The mall is so crowded, everyone is so lame,
This Black Friday shopping is one stupid game
First Best Buy, then Target, now Walmart and Sears
By all that is holy, by all we hold dear
Why must we do this? Race around like daft rats
The pushing, the shoving, I feel I’m smashed flat.”
As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
I thought that my anger would mount to the sky
“By all we hold holy? By all we hold dear?
I’ve told you before that there’s nothing to fear!
Black Friday shopping is as American as can be
Finding the best bargains shall fill us with glee!.
So the crowds are all crazy, so they all want to fight
To get the last Xbox, or Game Boy, such delights!
The 72-inch TV – how it twinkles! The iPhone, how merry.
The Android was great, the Nintendo (for Larry),
Christmas is coming, with presents galore,
but get in my way, and you’ll soon find the floor
‘Cause when I see a bargain I’ll grab right away
And I really don’t care what I have to pay
Because what’s important, amid all the fuss
Just get the bargain and the adrenaline rush
Christmas spirit on steroids! That’s what this night’s for,
Not just one bargain, but more, more, more, MORE!
It’s just like a drug, all shiny and bright
And that drug keeps you going all through the night.”
My daughter just groaned, and then looked away
Got out of the car and went her own way.
But I heard her exclaim, as she walked out of sight.
“Black Friday’s a nightmare, and I ain’t gonna bite.”
Copyright Tom Regan 2014
Contact Tom Regan:: motnager@gmail.com
Tom Regan has worked for the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation and the National Film Board in Canada, and for the Christian Science Monitor, National Public Radio, and Boston Globe in the United States.
The former executive director of the Online News Association, he was a Nieman fellow at Harvard in 1991-92.
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