Parenthood

Parenthood

British Columbia’s most powerful new mom can help lower the barriers 
Published: The Vancouver Sun, September 1, 2001, Op-ed column
By Deborah Jones

When pictures of Deputy Premier Christy Clark, her husband Mark Marissen and their new baby Hamish Michael appeared in the newspapers, my first thought was not a sentimental, "Aw, isn't he cute," or a feminist, "How wonderful, to bring her baby to work," or a cynic's, "Gee, how come she gets the perk of a room at work for her baby?" Instead, I wondered which side of the brick wall Clark was on when the camera shutter snapped -- and what she might do to level the barrier.

I'm talking about the dividing line between parents caring for children and the rest of society. For me, crossing that line was like smashing into a brick wall, then having a door materialize to the strange realm on the other side.

There is a self before and a self after children. One author calls it the "mommy zone." Others insist it's hormones. Sleep deprivation. Genetic predetermination -- all those "selfish genes," as philosopher/scientist Richard Dawkins calls them, driving us to act in the best interests of our offspring so our gene lines will continue. For me, it will always be the world on the other side of the wall.

As a friend of mine said, it's a magical realm. It's more thrilling than a perfect ski run, more profound than sex, more satisfying than chocolate. A world where bliss is simply holding an infant for seconds that stretch into hours, or watching a youngster achieve a milestone.

But it's also a challenging world: expensive, fraught with self- sacrifice, very, very scary, because while we can contemplate harm to ourselves with equanimity, that something bad could befall our child is unthinkable.

And it's a world where most parents find out, hard and fast, how little our society values children and parents, despite paying them lip service. We call the next generation our most precious resource. We say youngsters are our hope for supporting our aging population. Yet we make it bloody hard to raise children. True, parenting has its own rewards. But the financial penalties are enormous. Tax structures discriminate against parents. Child care is appallingly scarce. Too many Canadian kids live in poverty. Our disrespect for children's needs extends right down to community planning, where the needs of kids and their caregivers even come second to automobiles.

Don't misunderstand me; most of us who become parents would willingly do it all over again. I just think we could all make it less difficult, in the interests of everyone.

I've lived in my friend's "realm of magic" for nearly 16 years, but at first I resisted crossing through the wall. I had much at stake in my old world -- a career, financial obligations, my identity as a modern woman.

After my two children were born, I continued to work. They were shuffled about depending on my husband's schedule, whether the nanny showed up, through attempts at day care and taking them to work. Maybe it was the day I picked up my youngest from a day care facility to find him untended and howling in a wet crib. Maybe it was that a nanny watched him take his first steps. Whatever it was, I decided that putting motherhood first was more important than anything else. I thought, why have kids to let someone else raise them? I stopped being a full-time working mom, and became primarily a mom, making forays back as a part-time or freelance worker.

For the generations of women born since Betty Friedan wrote The Feminine Mystique, such a crossing can be an act of betrayal. We're supposed to embrace women's rights, which too often in the political literature are not linked to children's rights. We're supposed to be perfect mothers, but use our brains in the business world too. We're supposed to fulfil ourselves, not fulfil family needs. Above all, we modern women have been taught or assumed that we could have it all.

We can, in fact, have it all -- but what we don't realize until we have children is there's a price to pay: the emotional, physical and monetary toll of living in two different worlds, settling in neither.

Back in June, weeks before giving birth, Clark told a Sun reporter how she'd combine motherhood with work at the legislature. "I've got a little room across the hall where I'm going to have the baby live, so he can cry without disturbing people and he will have a nanny with him." She added: "People say that many babies can get on schedules, so I'm really hoping for that."

I applaud Clark. As the first woman to give birth while a member of B.C.'s legislature she's opening many more doors for women in general. I'm encouraged that her husband seems to be an involved father, because when men become engaged parents their spouses are better off and children are more valued.

But I also know that Clark has an enormous challenge ahead, trying to have it all. She probably has her priorities as a working mom straight, because she also said, "The thing that's important to me is to make sure that the baby doesn't suffer."

To Clark I want to offer congratulations, applause, sympathy and even a tiny dash of reality about her optimism. I also send her my hopes that, as B.C.'s most powerful new mom, she'll work to level the barriers faced by parents raising tomorrow's citizens.
Copyright Deborah Jones 2001
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The realm on the far side of the brick wall

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